This isn't just a diet

As I read through other people's blogs I realized one thing that makes me and what I'm doing somewhat different than a lot of others.

Sometimes, I don't see myself stopping until I'm dead. I've tried to kill myself in other ways and have failed. 6 times. So, that's why I eat minimal calories each day.  And when I eat, I puke until I'm in pain. And after that, i take laxatives.  One day, my insides will fail me and for a 7th time, I will be rushed to the hospital for some "miracle" to save me. 

It's easy to continue to do that when I ignore everyone in my life. The only person that has any clue how bad it all is is my roommate. My parents don't live  near me so they don't see me often enough. And on the phone, I can hide it.  Isolation.

I'm sad today. It's beautiful out but I have my blinds down and am just crying off and on.  I hate myself for thinking "maybe I should get help."  If i ask for it now, I probably wont' want it tomorrow.