I've been in my own world for the past few weeks. Incredibly depressed and having a hard time restricting so that just makes me even more depressed. I spent the whole weekend in bed with a few minor exceptions but tonight I've decided that starting tomorrow... things are going to be OK. I'm not going to let myself be consumed with food tomorrow. I'm going to get out of a bed like a normal person, go to work, and get my shit done. I'm going to clean my room, do my laundry, maybe even TALK to people.
Tomorrow. Things will be OK. Who's with me?
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Shit sucks
I'm a fucking fat piece of shit. I ate like complete crap the past couple of days.
Stab me in the face.
:(
Stab me in the face.
:(
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Depressed
I took opiates on Friday night and went into an alternate universe... it was nice and awful. I pretty much have been sleeping since and have had no control over anything. I slept all day, woke up, ate (some were healthy, some lacked substance and were totally unnecessary) and I didn't work out. Yesterday was supposed to be a weigh-in day and a hardcore exercise day because Friday was such a waste.
My body feels disgusting. Like every part of me feels heavy, weighed down, puffed up. IDK what to do. I'm really depressed and I don't even have the energy to purge or cut.
Later today I leave for a business trip and I'm not back until Tuesday night. When I travel for work my eating gets out of control. I'm usually really stressed so lots of b/ps happen. I'm going to need you all so much the next few days or everything is going to completely unravel.
A part of me wants to quit my job so that my ED can be my full-time life. But... yesterday may be a glimpse of what would happen if I didn't work.
I'm going to try to get to the gym today before I leave... today was my 118 goal day... I'm so nervous and have been crying all morning.
Make me strong. Make me thin.
My body feels disgusting. Like every part of me feels heavy, weighed down, puffed up. IDK what to do. I'm really depressed and I don't even have the energy to purge or cut.
Later today I leave for a business trip and I'm not back until Tuesday night. When I travel for work my eating gets out of control. I'm usually really stressed so lots of b/ps happen. I'm going to need you all so much the next few days or everything is going to completely unravel.
A part of me wants to quit my job so that my ED can be my full-time life. But... yesterday may be a glimpse of what would happen if I didn't work.
I'm going to try to get to the gym today before I leave... today was my 118 goal day... I'm so nervous and have been crying all morning.
Make me strong. Make me thin.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
This isn't just a diet
As I read through other people's blogs I realized one thing that makes me and what I'm doing somewhat different than a lot of others.
Sometimes, I don't see myself stopping until I'm dead. I've tried to kill myself in other ways and have failed. 6 times. So, that's why I eat minimal calories each day. And when I eat, I puke until I'm in pain. And after that, i take laxatives. One day, my insides will fail me and for a 7th time, I will be rushed to the hospital for some "miracle" to save me.
It's easy to continue to do that when I ignore everyone in my life. The only person that has any clue how bad it all is is my roommate. My parents don't live near me so they don't see me often enough. And on the phone, I can hide it. Isolation.
I'm sad today. It's beautiful out but I have my blinds down and am just crying off and on. I hate myself for thinking "maybe I should get help." If i ask for it now, I probably wont' want it tomorrow.
Sometimes, I don't see myself stopping until I'm dead. I've tried to kill myself in other ways and have failed. 6 times. So, that's why I eat minimal calories each day. And when I eat, I puke until I'm in pain. And after that, i take laxatives. One day, my insides will fail me and for a 7th time, I will be rushed to the hospital for some "miracle" to save me.
It's easy to continue to do that when I ignore everyone in my life. The only person that has any clue how bad it all is is my roommate. My parents don't live near me so they don't see me often enough. And on the phone, I can hide it. Isolation.
I'm sad today. It's beautiful out but I have my blinds down and am just crying off and on. I hate myself for thinking "maybe I should get help." If i ask for it now, I probably wont' want it tomorrow.
Friday, April 20, 2012
I'm a free woman
I have officially quit treatment and refused a residential facility. Only one of my friends knows about this, no one in my family. I saw how all my doctors reacted and I just don't see the point in telling anyone else and putting them all in a frenzy too.
Well, the anxiety of all of this couldn't have been better for my eating and exercise! I worked out so much and ate so little I almost passed out at the gym multiple times and was super lightheaded and pretty shakey. I LOVE THAT FEELING!
-Only took 200 mg of my mood stabilizer (75 mg less than prescribed), didn't take Antabuse, 25 mg of Adderall XR
-I took all of my vitamins
-3 laxatives, stool softeners, herbal laxatives (senna, a girl's best friend)
Food: Total Calories: 300
-breakfast: Plain cereal (around 90 cal)
-lunch: 3 bites of a Subway Veggie Delight (probably 60 cal tops)
-dinner: a few bites of turkey sausage and brown rice... lots of comments and stuff from my roommate. I know she just cares but I can see the fear on her face. (maybe 150)
Exercise: Total Calories burned: 1030 (estimated)
-1 mile run in the AM (I'd say -105 calories)
-Gym: 1 hr 20 min on the elliptical, with a hoodie on, 1 mile walk/jog on the treadmill, 30 min stretching (-800)
-1.5 mile walk home from the gym (around -125)
Total calories intake: 300
Total calories burned: 1000
Net: -700 :)
Not sure what my food plan is for today.. little tricky because I have a business lunch and it's Friday so you never know where that will take me after work. AH! Will report back but I want to stay under 700 cal today.
Taking the day off from the gym to let my body/muscles recover so that the weekend will be even better for working out! And I'm going to get a mani/pedi after work to reward myself for all my hard work yesterday, in all aspects of my life! :
I hope you all are having as much success as I am this week. I really had to push it this week since I leave for a business trip on Sunday and usually when I'm traveling and working late my eating gets really bad (just eat shitty food, try to purge as much as possible but it never ends up being good enough). Last time I traveled is when I gained 3 lbs back. Going to keep that from happening this time. :)
xoxoL
Well, the anxiety of all of this couldn't have been better for my eating and exercise! I worked out so much and ate so little I almost passed out at the gym multiple times and was super lightheaded and pretty shakey. I LOVE THAT FEELING!
My Day Yesterday:
Meds:-Only took 200 mg of my mood stabilizer (75 mg less than prescribed), didn't take Antabuse, 25 mg of Adderall XR
-I took all of my vitamins
-3 laxatives, stool softeners, herbal laxatives (senna, a girl's best friend)
Food: Total Calories: 300
-breakfast: Plain cereal (around 90 cal)
-lunch: 3 bites of a Subway Veggie Delight (probably 60 cal tops)
-dinner: a few bites of turkey sausage and brown rice... lots of comments and stuff from my roommate. I know she just cares but I can see the fear on her face. (maybe 150)
Exercise: Total Calories burned: 1030 (estimated)
-1 mile run in the AM (I'd say -105 calories)
-Gym: 1 hr 20 min on the elliptical, with a hoodie on, 1 mile walk/jog on the treadmill, 30 min stretching (-800)
-1.5 mile walk home from the gym (around -125)
Total calories intake: 300
Total calories burned: 1000
Net: -700 :)
Today's Plan:
Not sure what my food plan is for today.. little tricky because I have a business lunch and it's Friday so you never know where that will take me after work. AH! Will report back but I want to stay under 700 cal today.Taking the day off from the gym to let my body/muscles recover so that the weekend will be even better for working out! And I'm going to get a mani/pedi after work to reward myself for all my hard work yesterday, in all aspects of my life! :
I hope you all are having as much success as I am this week. I really had to push it this week since I leave for a business trip on Sunday and usually when I'm traveling and working late my eating gets really bad (just eat shitty food, try to purge as much as possible but it never ends up being good enough). Last time I traveled is when I gained 3 lbs back. Going to keep that from happening this time. :)
xoxoL
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Threatened to go to residential...
Good morning,
I didn't post last night because I was completely overwhelmed by an email I received. I hadn't gone to my therapist in a couple of weeks but had agreed to go this past Tuesday. Well, as I usually am, I was completely honest with her when she asked me questions. Well, that was a BIG mistake. Listen from the wise: DO NOT TELL ANYONE HOW BAD IT GETS!!!
So, on Tuesday, before getting this email, I told my therapist I didn't want to come in for a while again. Just FYI, I was previously going in to therapy twice/wk and to my psychiatrist for medication management every other week (or more). Hence why my medical bills were 4k+ last month...
The important parts of the email:
I appreciate your openness and honesty about not being motivated to do anything different or commit to any plan currently. I also feel strongly that your lack of engagement is a symptom of your current distress, and I need to be guided by what is in your best interests even if it doesn't match up with what you want right now.
Do you think you would be able/ willing to agree to the following in order to continue working with me and your other doctors?
1) Turn over the laxatives to me
2) See the nutritionist weekly with weigh ins and another set of labs to check your electrolytes
3) Come in for medication supervision 3x a week
4) Attend sessions with me 2x/wk and Heather 1 - 2 times per week
5) Send the food logs and begin tracking again
6) Resume taking Antabuse (with supervision 3X per week) -- this is a medication that I take to not drink
[blah blah blah blah] [dangerous] [physical and emotional health] [risky] [blah blah]
If you are not able to agree, we will have to conclude that CMC is no longer an appropriate treatment option for you and that you are in need of a higher level of care, meaning, a residential eating disorders program.
So, back to me. Am I right in thinking that she just said "agree to this plan or else I'm going to force you into a residential facility."? WHAT DO I DO? Honestly, I don't care about working with her or any of my other doctors anymore. I'm so done with this. Why is it that people don't understand that I DON'T WANT HELP. If you force someone into doing something they don't want to do, well, that person isn't going to get so much out of it, are they? I'm just saying... if they force me into a facility or they make me see them a million times per week, I'm just going to lie about everything. That's a waste of all of our time and my $$.
I don't want the help that they want me to get. I want the help from you all. I know you won't force me into a facility.. Please, I could really use your advice!
Alright, I'm going to go work out for the first of probably 2 or 3 times today. Shhhh don't tell! :) Hopefully today is better...
xoxoL
I didn't post last night because I was completely overwhelmed by an email I received. I hadn't gone to my therapist in a couple of weeks but had agreed to go this past Tuesday. Well, as I usually am, I was completely honest with her when she asked me questions. Well, that was a BIG mistake. Listen from the wise: DO NOT TELL ANYONE HOW BAD IT GETS!!!
So, on Tuesday, before getting this email, I told my therapist I didn't want to come in for a while again. Just FYI, I was previously going in to therapy twice/wk and to my psychiatrist for medication management every other week (or more). Hence why my medical bills were 4k+ last month...
The important parts of the email:
I appreciate your openness and honesty about not being motivated to do anything different or commit to any plan currently. I also feel strongly that your lack of engagement is a symptom of your current distress, and I need to be guided by what is in your best interests even if it doesn't match up with what you want right now.
Do you think you would be able/ willing to agree to the following in order to continue working with me and your other doctors?
1) Turn over the laxatives to me
2) See the nutritionist weekly with weigh ins and another set of labs to check your electrolytes
3) Come in for medication supervision 3x a week
4) Attend sessions with me 2x/wk and Heather 1 - 2 times per week
5) Send the food logs and begin tracking again
6) Resume taking Antabuse (with supervision 3X per week) -- this is a medication that I take to not drink
[blah blah blah blah] [dangerous] [physical and emotional health] [risky] [blah blah]
If you are not able to agree, we will have to conclude that CMC is no longer an appropriate treatment option for you and that you are in need of a higher level of care, meaning, a residential eating disorders program.
So, back to me. Am I right in thinking that she just said "agree to this plan or else I'm going to force you into a residential facility."? WHAT DO I DO? Honestly, I don't care about working with her or any of my other doctors anymore. I'm so done with this. Why is it that people don't understand that I DON'T WANT HELP. If you force someone into doing something they don't want to do, well, that person isn't going to get so much out of it, are they? I'm just saying... if they force me into a facility or they make me see them a million times per week, I'm just going to lie about everything. That's a waste of all of our time and my $$.
I don't want the help that they want me to get. I want the help from you all. I know you won't force me into a facility.. Please, I could really use your advice!
Alright, I'm going to go work out for the first of probably 2 or 3 times today. Shhhh don't tell! :) Hopefully today is better...
xoxoL
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
121 lbs pics
Hey all... Thought I'd post some photos of where I am now. On day 3 of my fast/cleanse... I think I should probably eat a small meal today so my body doesn't go into starvation mode. Is it bad for my skinny to take laxatives when im pretty sure there's nothin in me??
Have a great day everyone! Stay powerful!
XoxoL
Have a great day everyone! Stay powerful!
XoxoL
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Days 1 and 2
The first two days of my fast went pretty well. I've been taking all my vitamins and such, pretty much just living off of water and green tea now. I have had moments where I've been starving because my body got so used to me binge/purging so now it's having a hard time going back to restricting. In the past two days I've eaten a packet of 100 cal oatmeal, an apple, and some granola. All in all, feeling good.
Today's stats:
CW: 121 lbs (at 7pm)
Height: 5'6''
Bust: 30.5''
Waist: 25.0''
Hips: 35''
Thigh: 20''
Ankle: 8.5''
Arm: 10''
Forearm: 8.5''
Wrist: 6.25''
Today's stats:
CW: 121 lbs (at 7pm)
Height: 5'6''
Bust: 30.5''
Waist: 25.0''
Hips: 35''
Thigh: 20''
Ankle: 8.5''
Arm: 10''
Forearm: 8.5''
Wrist: 6.25''
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Cleanse/fast begins tomorrow
This weekend wasn't great and when i weighed myself today I was back up to 123... I'm really not happy. I've been eating a lot but purging most of it and have been taking laxatives but I feel like they aren't working. Today I took 6 throughout the day so hopefully that will work...
Tomorrow I'm starting my cleanse/fast. I was going to do the isagenix cleanse and i ordered it but it didn't come (UPS lost it or something). So, I've researched some alternatives so that i can still do the fast that i was planning. I really need to kick a lot more weight so that I can be happy. Also, is it bad that I want people to be concerned with how skinny I am? I want everyone I see to say something about how skinny I am. I want people to look at me and think i'm "disgustingly thin" or "emaciated."
So... my cleanse/fast begins tomorrow. I'll be blogging everyday so you can follow my journey.
My 7-day Fast:
- Only water, tea, and juice (if 100% necessary)
- Morning: Psyllium and bentonite (colon cleansers)
- During the day: Multivitamin/dietary supplement (I'm using One A DayWomen's Active Metabolism because I have it, but there are many other options), wheat germ (replenishes Vitamin E), Vitamin C, Whole Beet Plant Juice (helps with energy, high in iron, calcium, and potassium)
- Night: Herbal supplement of cascara sagrada, aloe powder, and licorice root (cleanses colon)
- Run 1-2 miles per day, stretch everyday (maybe yoga?)
Note: I'm probably going to take adderall everyday to curb my appetite. This could trigger a manic episode (especially because I haven't been taking all my meds) but I'm OK with that. When I'm manic, I don't get hungry. Actually, I'm completely repulsed by food (ahh something new?). At least it removes all chances of a binge!
Wish me luck!
xoxoL
Tomorrow I'm starting my cleanse/fast. I was going to do the isagenix cleanse and i ordered it but it didn't come (UPS lost it or something). So, I've researched some alternatives so that i can still do the fast that i was planning. I really need to kick a lot more weight so that I can be happy. Also, is it bad that I want people to be concerned with how skinny I am? I want everyone I see to say something about how skinny I am. I want people to look at me and think i'm "disgustingly thin" or "emaciated."
So... my cleanse/fast begins tomorrow. I'll be blogging everyday so you can follow my journey.
My 7-day Fast:
- Only water, tea, and juice (if 100% necessary)
- Morning: Psyllium and bentonite (colon cleansers)
- During the day: Multivitamin/dietary supplement (I'm using One A DayWomen's Active Metabolism because I have it, but there are many other options), wheat germ (replenishes Vitamin E), Vitamin C, Whole Beet Plant Juice (helps with energy, high in iron, calcium, and potassium)
- Night: Herbal supplement of cascara sagrada, aloe powder, and licorice root (cleanses colon)
- Run 1-2 miles per day, stretch everyday (maybe yoga?)
Note: I'm probably going to take adderall everyday to curb my appetite. This could trigger a manic episode (especially because I haven't been taking all my meds) but I'm OK with that. When I'm manic, I don't get hungry. Actually, I'm completely repulsed by food (ahh something new?). At least it removes all chances of a binge!
Wish me luck!
xoxoL
Friday, April 13, 2012
119.3 today!
Hello from Chicago,
I woke up this morning and weighed myself -- 119.3 lbs!! I broke through 120!! I had a few good days, ate minimally and threw up anything I did eat. But, last night I had a salad, a few bites of mac and cheese, and some chocolate cake but purged all throughout eating it so that hardly anything stayed in. I'm so happy that it didn't destroy me. And, I didn't even go to the gym yesterday.
I've been averaging 4 laxatives per day... a little concerned that it's going to make it so that I can't go by myself but right now I'm just more concerned with getting it all out of me as quickly as possible. My skin is getting worse and I definitely now have bruising and dry skin on my knuckles but I don't care because that won't matter when I'm super small.
I haven't been taking my prescribed doses of my meds and I also haven't been eating well but surprisingly my moods have been pretty stable. I guess my period being over is what helps that mostly. No cutting, no mania, no depression. Just lots of purging and restricting.
Hope everyone else is having a good day and looking forward to the weekend.
xoxoL
I woke up this morning and weighed myself -- 119.3 lbs!! I broke through 120!! I had a few good days, ate minimally and threw up anything I did eat. But, last night I had a salad, a few bites of mac and cheese, and some chocolate cake but purged all throughout eating it so that hardly anything stayed in. I'm so happy that it didn't destroy me. And, I didn't even go to the gym yesterday.
I've been averaging 4 laxatives per day... a little concerned that it's going to make it so that I can't go by myself but right now I'm just more concerned with getting it all out of me as quickly as possible. My skin is getting worse and I definitely now have bruising and dry skin on my knuckles but I don't care because that won't matter when I'm super small.
I haven't been taking my prescribed doses of my meds and I also haven't been eating well but surprisingly my moods have been pretty stable. I guess my period being over is what helps that mostly. No cutting, no mania, no depression. Just lots of purging and restricting.
Hope everyone else is having a good day and looking forward to the weekend.
xoxoL
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
121 lbs today!
I weighed in at 121 lbs today. I've been taking a lot of laxatives recently, not as much purging and not as much eating. I'm so happy! and yesterday a lot of people were telling me how skinny i look and i was just depressed because i really don't believe them. I spent most of the day yesterday freaking out about that but today i feel so much better about everything! I feel like i'm back on track! :)
On Monday, a few coworkers and I are starting a cleanse. It's called isagenix. One of my coworkers has done it before and said she lost 9 lbs!!!! I'm really looking forward to it. I overdrew my bank account buying it tho...
Does anyone want to join for the cleanse? Strength in numbers!
Hope everyone else had a good day. I'm traveling for work tomorrow to Sunday and that can usually be bad for my eating and exercise... but I'm going to stay strong. Please reach out and help motivate!!
xoxoL
On Monday, a few coworkers and I are starting a cleanse. It's called isagenix. One of my coworkers has done it before and said she lost 9 lbs!!!! I'm really looking forward to it. I overdrew my bank account buying it tho...
Does anyone want to join for the cleanse? Strength in numbers!
Hope everyone else had a good day. I'm traveling for work tomorrow to Sunday and that can usually be bad for my eating and exercise... but I'm going to stay strong. Please reach out and help motivate!!
xoxoL
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
The past does not equal the future
I wanted to share this incredible quote. It may mean something different to each of us but hope it can help you move forward. For at least today.
If you want to succeed in your life, remember this phrase. The past does not equal The future. Because you failed yesterday; or all day today, or a moment ago, or for the last six months; the last 16 years, or the last fifty years of life doesn't mean anything...All that matters is what are you going to do, Right Now."
XoxoL
If you want to succeed in your life, remember this phrase. The past does not equal The future. Because you failed yesterday; or all day today, or a moment ago, or for the last six months; the last 16 years, or the last fifty years of life doesn't mean anything...All that matters is what are you going to do, Right Now."
XoxoL
Monday, April 9, 2012
Stupid menstrual cycle.
Does anyone have any tips on what to do when you're craving things because of your period? I can't seem to stop eating chocolate and I'm doing this at work. It's really hard to purge or deal with the aftermath of taking laxatives while i'm at work. Blech, help me!!!!
I'm a cow
I was a complete pig today. I ate so much stupid shit... chocolate, candy, picked out someones french fries. I so wanted to purge but wasn't able to. I took 4 laxatives, 2 during the day and 2 while i was out at night. I'm such a failure. At least I went to the gym and was on the elliptical for an hour... hopefully that helps everything.
I will never get better. I will never have control over my moods and I will never be healthy. The people around me everyday would have no clue how incredibly disturbed I am. I think about death all the time. I look in the mirror and want my body to eat itself away.
How can I make that happen?
Weighed myself at 7p tonight and was back up to 125. I hate the scale, I want it to die. Almost as much as I want to die myself.
Monday 4/9/12 Total calories= probablyaround 1000
Coffee x2,
1 egg
Bean Chili
Special K Bar
hot chocolate
tea
mini chocolate bunny
5 mini cadbury eggs
special k bar
mentos
picking at food at bowling
Also, I've decided to start going down on my meds... wish me luck!
I will never get better. I will never have control over my moods and I will never be healthy. The people around me everyday would have no clue how incredibly disturbed I am. I think about death all the time. I look in the mirror and want my body to eat itself away.
How can I make that happen?
Weighed myself at 7p tonight and was back up to 125. I hate the scale, I want it to die. Almost as much as I want to die myself.
Monday 4/9/12 Total calories= probablyaround 1000
Coffee x2,
1 egg
Bean Chili
Special K Bar
hot chocolate
tea
mini chocolate bunny
5 mini cadbury eggs
special k bar
mentos
picking at food at bowling
Also, I've decided to start going down on my meds... wish me luck!
Sunday, April 8, 2012
The first post: an introduction
I've decided to start a blog so that I can share my cycles and eating disorder with everyone and have a place to go back to when I need to remember. Forgive me, I'm not a very good writer and sometimes these posts may be less than coherent.
Hi, I'm Lizzy. I'm 24 and live in work in NYC. I grew up with a great family with parents who gave me every opportunity available to us: great private schooling, summers at camps, backpacking across europe, or letting me pick up and move to argentina for 3 months when my on again, off again boyfriend broke up with me (again). Voice lessons, piano lessons, soccer games, shopping sprees at Bloomingdales and Nordstrom. I got everything I ever asked for and more. I had (and continue to have) great friends who support me and help me through everything. I graduated from a prestigious liberal arts college in four years, I got myself a super fancy job in business, and live and support myself (sometimes) in a pretty incredible apartment in Manhattan.
From the outside, I definitely look normal. But, on the inside, I'm just some fucked up kid, unable to control her mind or emotions and sometimes it feels like, her actions. I suffer from bipolar, EDNOS, and alcohol abuse. I've been cycling from manic to depression for as long as I can remember but didn't really know that's what it's called until recently. And with all of my rollercoaster-ing moods come a plethora of other problems. For example, my "episodes," as they call them, can trigger my eating disorder... which is my main problem right now. About a month ago, I had a very severe manic episode. I'm so glad that I have a lot of caring friends and doctors that took me in and helped me stay out of the hospital (this time). Since then, my eating has been, well... off. I go days without eating, I'll binge and purge, I'll purge from just a small amount of food. Food consumes me. Everything I do revolves around it. I make sure that I can get out of eating with other people, make sure if I do eat in front of people that I have a place/bathroom I can go to purge without anyone know. If I eat, I freak out. If I don't eat, I feel accomplished and safe.
A few days ago, I binged on McDonalds (something I haven't had in probably over a year) and immediately purged... I don't even know if I got all of it because in the process, I cut the roof of my mouth/back of my throat with my nail and had to take a purging break. I panicked - started hyperventilating, running around my apartment, pulling my hair out, screaming, wanting to break something... wait, I think I actually tried to break something. And then... here's the kicker... I grabbed the sharpest knife I could find in my kitchen, ran to the bathroom, made the shower as hot as it could go, and let the steam fill up the tiny space. Suddenly, I slow down and for a few minutes and come back to earth. I find myself staring in the mirror at my wide, bloodshot eyes that are sunken in to my beet red face with mascara running down it like black tears. I was grabbing the knife, like a serial killer, holding it up to the mirror and glidding it along my face and hairline. It was as though there was two of me. The one that was scared and silently screaming for her life; and the one that was about to tease the frightened child with pain (and, hopefully, death).
So then (here's where my memory gets especially spotty) I get into the shower, sitting down with my knees to my chest, grab the knife and start to cut small slits in my upper forearm. I do remember this hurting a bit but I was so memorized by watching the blood spill out, down my arm, across my palm, and eventually to the white ceramic floor that I didn't really care. I pulled the skin apart so that it would come out faster. I didn't realize until later that I was watching all of this go down from some place high above, as though it were a movie of someone else's life.
This is what happens. Something that seems so insignificant to others, like making a meal out of 10-piece McNuggets and a medium fries and scarfing it down in less than 5 minutes, can send me in this terrible spiral up to the ceiling, where I float to the ceiling and watch this crazy person, who looks and awful lot like me, go about her business, whatever that is for those couple minutes. Or is it hours? Days? Years??! I'm not even sure anymore how long I stay up there.
I'm completely aware of how incredibly un-normal all of this is. I know that starving, cutting, purging myself is each, in it's own way, killing me. I know that I need to take my meds, use the coping skills that I've learned from hours of intensive inpatient and outpatient therapy, and call a friend when in need. But right now, and for the past couple of weeks, I just don't want help. I've starting lying to my friends and family again and told my therapist and psychiatrist that I no longer want to see them. No matter how aware I am of how bad everything is and how much worse it can potentially get, I don't want help. I don't want to get help until the last possible second, whatever that looks like.
I hope that as I tell my story I can help others and find people who relate. No one in my life knows what any of this is like and can't seem to understand why sometimes I just don't want to put in the effort to make a change. Sometimes I actually like being fucked up. Anyone out there feel me on that?
xoxo,
Lizzy
Hi, I'm Lizzy. I'm 24 and live in work in NYC. I grew up with a great family with parents who gave me every opportunity available to us: great private schooling, summers at camps, backpacking across europe, or letting me pick up and move to argentina for 3 months when my on again, off again boyfriend broke up with me (again). Voice lessons, piano lessons, soccer games, shopping sprees at Bloomingdales and Nordstrom. I got everything I ever asked for and more. I had (and continue to have) great friends who support me and help me through everything. I graduated from a prestigious liberal arts college in four years, I got myself a super fancy job in business, and live and support myself (sometimes) in a pretty incredible apartment in Manhattan.
From the outside, I definitely look normal. But, on the inside, I'm just some fucked up kid, unable to control her mind or emotions and sometimes it feels like, her actions. I suffer from bipolar, EDNOS, and alcohol abuse. I've been cycling from manic to depression for as long as I can remember but didn't really know that's what it's called until recently. And with all of my rollercoaster-ing moods come a plethora of other problems. For example, my "episodes," as they call them, can trigger my eating disorder... which is my main problem right now. About a month ago, I had a very severe manic episode. I'm so glad that I have a lot of caring friends and doctors that took me in and helped me stay out of the hospital (this time). Since then, my eating has been, well... off. I go days without eating, I'll binge and purge, I'll purge from just a small amount of food. Food consumes me. Everything I do revolves around it. I make sure that I can get out of eating with other people, make sure if I do eat in front of people that I have a place/bathroom I can go to purge without anyone know. If I eat, I freak out. If I don't eat, I feel accomplished and safe.
A few days ago, I binged on McDonalds (something I haven't had in probably over a year) and immediately purged... I don't even know if I got all of it because in the process, I cut the roof of my mouth/back of my throat with my nail and had to take a purging break. I panicked - started hyperventilating, running around my apartment, pulling my hair out, screaming, wanting to break something... wait, I think I actually tried to break something. And then... here's the kicker... I grabbed the sharpest knife I could find in my kitchen, ran to the bathroom, made the shower as hot as it could go, and let the steam fill up the tiny space. Suddenly, I slow down and for a few minutes and come back to earth. I find myself staring in the mirror at my wide, bloodshot eyes that are sunken in to my beet red face with mascara running down it like black tears. I was grabbing the knife, like a serial killer, holding it up to the mirror and glidding it along my face and hairline. It was as though there was two of me. The one that was scared and silently screaming for her life; and the one that was about to tease the frightened child with pain (and, hopefully, death).
So then (here's where my memory gets especially spotty) I get into the shower, sitting down with my knees to my chest, grab the knife and start to cut small slits in my upper forearm. I do remember this hurting a bit but I was so memorized by watching the blood spill out, down my arm, across my palm, and eventually to the white ceramic floor that I didn't really care. I pulled the skin apart so that it would come out faster. I didn't realize until later that I was watching all of this go down from some place high above, as though it were a movie of someone else's life.
This is what happens. Something that seems so insignificant to others, like making a meal out of 10-piece McNuggets and a medium fries and scarfing it down in less than 5 minutes, can send me in this terrible spiral up to the ceiling, where I float to the ceiling and watch this crazy person, who looks and awful lot like me, go about her business, whatever that is for those couple minutes. Or is it hours? Days? Years??! I'm not even sure anymore how long I stay up there.
I'm completely aware of how incredibly un-normal all of this is. I know that starving, cutting, purging myself is each, in it's own way, killing me. I know that I need to take my meds, use the coping skills that I've learned from hours of intensive inpatient and outpatient therapy, and call a friend when in need. But right now, and for the past couple of weeks, I just don't want help. I've starting lying to my friends and family again and told my therapist and psychiatrist that I no longer want to see them. No matter how aware I am of how bad everything is and how much worse it can potentially get, I don't want help. I don't want to get help until the last possible second, whatever that looks like.
I hope that as I tell my story I can help others and find people who relate. No one in my life knows what any of this is like and can't seem to understand why sometimes I just don't want to put in the effort to make a change. Sometimes I actually like being fucked up. Anyone out there feel me on that?
xoxo,
Lizzy
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