So sorry I left you... :(

Blogging quickly bc I just have to get back in to this.

This month has been disgusting. I'm a complete slob and have gained so much weight back. Finally weighed myself this morning for the first time in weeks... 130.0. Today I'm getting back into the game. This is totally unacceptable. And right when summer starts!!

Back to my caffeine-only diet that seemed to work wonders for me.

I love you all. Give me the strength to succeed again. Give me the courage not to cut. Help me be beautiful.

XoxoL

"If you believe in yourself and have the courage, the determination, the dedication, the competitive drive and if you are willing to sacrifice the little things in life and pay the price for the things that are worthwhile, it can be done."

Some Pro-Ana Song Lyrics

Fashion - Lady Gaga

I am, I'm too fabulous
I'm so, fierce that it's so nuts
I live, to be model thin
Dress me, I'm your mannequin

Bleed Like Me - Garbage

Avalanche is sullen and too thin
She starves herself to rid herself of sin
And the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin
And she says:
Hey baby can you bleed like me?
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?

Paper Bag - Fiona Apple

Hunger hurts, but I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

The Story - Brandi Carlile (one of my favorite songs but not necessarily pro-ana)

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

Skeleton Me - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Soon comes rain
Dry your eyes
Frost or flame
Skeleton me
Fall asleep
Spin the sky
Skeleton me
Love, don’t cry

"You look thin."

I saw some friends today that I haven't seen in a while and one of them said to me "you look thin."  The thing I am always dying to hear.  But this time, it didn't sound like a good thing... it sounded accusatory.  A few of my friends know about my ED and they all blab so I feel like this one friend found out about it and then commented in that passive aggressive way. "You look thin."

Who would have thought that the words I actively TRY to get people to say are the words that could just cut me and make me feel gross?

Depressed

I took opiates on Friday night and went into an alternate universe... it was nice and awful.  I pretty  much have been sleeping since and have had no control over anything.  I slept all day, woke up, ate (some were healthy, some lacked substance and were totally unnecessary) and I didn't work out.  Yesterday was supposed to be a weigh-in day and a hardcore exercise day because Friday was such a waste.

My body feels disgusting.  Like every part of me feels heavy, weighed down, puffed up.  IDK what to do.  I'm really depressed and I don't even have the energy to purge or cut.

Later today I leave for a business trip and I'm not back until Tuesday night. When I travel for work my eating gets out of control.  I'm usually really stressed so lots of b/ps happen.  I'm going to need you all so much the next few days or everything is going to completely unravel.

A part of me wants to quit my job so that my ED can be my full-time life. But... yesterday may be a glimpse of what would happen if I didn't work.

I'm going to try to get to the gym today before I leave... today was my 118 goal day... I'm so nervous and have been crying all morning.

Make me strong.  Make me thin.

This isn't just a diet

As I read through other people's blogs I realized one thing that makes me and what I'm doing somewhat different than a lot of others.

Sometimes, I don't see myself stopping until I'm dead. I've tried to kill myself in other ways and have failed. 6 times. So, that's why I eat minimal calories each day.  And when I eat, I puke until I'm in pain. And after that, i take laxatives.  One day, my insides will fail me and for a 7th time, I will be rushed to the hospital for some "miracle" to save me. 

It's easy to continue to do that when I ignore everyone in my life. The only person that has any clue how bad it all is is my roommate. My parents don't live  near me so they don't see me often enough. And on the phone, I can hide it.  Isolation.

I'm sad today. It's beautiful out but I have my blinds down and am just crying off and on.  I hate myself for thinking "maybe I should get help."  If i ask for it now, I probably wont' want it tomorrow.

I'm a free woman

I have officially quit treatment and refused a residential facility.  Only one of my friends knows about this, no one in my family.  I saw how all my doctors reacted and I just don't see the point in telling anyone else and putting them all in a frenzy too.

Well, the anxiety of all of this couldn't have been better for my eating and exercise!  I worked out so much and ate so little I almost passed out at the gym multiple times and was super lightheaded and pretty shakey. I LOVE THAT FEELING!

My Day Yesterday: 

Meds:
-Only took 200 mg of my mood stabilizer (75 mg less than prescribed), didn't take Antabuse, 25 mg of Adderall XR
-I took all of my vitamins
-3 laxatives, stool softeners, herbal laxatives (senna, a girl's best friend)

Food: Total Calories: 300
-breakfast: Plain cereal (around 90 cal)
-lunch: 3 bites of a Subway Veggie Delight (probably 60 cal tops)
-dinner: a few bites of turkey sausage and brown rice... lots of comments and stuff from my roommate. I know she just cares but I can see the fear on her face. (maybe 150)

Exercise: Total Calories burned: 1030 (estimated)
-1 mile run in the AM (I'd say -105 calories)
-Gym: 1 hr 20 min on the elliptical, with a hoodie on, 1 mile walk/jog on the treadmill, 30 min stretching (-800)
-1.5 mile walk home from the gym (around -125)

Total calories intake: 300
Total calories burned: 1000
Net: -700 :)

Today's Plan:

Not sure what my food plan is for today.. little tricky because I have a business lunch and it's Friday so you never know where that will take me after work.  AH! Will report back but I want to stay under 700 cal today.

Taking the day off from the gym to let my body/muscles recover so that the weekend will be even better for working out!  And I'm going to get a mani/pedi after work to reward myself for all my hard work yesterday, in all aspects of my life! :


I hope you all are having as much success as I am this week.  I really had to push it this week since I leave for a business trip on Sunday and usually when I'm traveling and working late my eating gets really bad (just eat shitty food, try to purge as much as possible but it never ends up being good enough).  Last time I traveled is when I gained 3 lbs back.  Going to keep that from happening this time. :)


xoxoL

Days 1 and 2

The first two days of my fast went pretty well.  I've been taking all my vitamins and such, pretty much just living off of water and green tea now.  I have had moments where I've been starving because my body got so used to me binge/purging so now it's having a hard time going back to restricting.  In the past two days I've eaten a packet of 100 cal oatmeal, an apple, and some granola. All in all, feeling good.

Today's stats:

CW: 121 lbs (at 7pm)
Height: 5'6''
Bust: 30.5''
Waist: 25.0''
Hips: 35''
Thigh: 20''
Ankle: 8.5''
Arm: 10''
Forearm: 8.5''
Wrist: 6.25''

Cleanse/fast begins tomorrow

This weekend wasn't great and when i weighed myself today I was back up to 123... I'm really not happy.  I've been eating a lot but purging most of it and have been taking laxatives but I feel like they aren't working.  Today I took 6 throughout the day so hopefully that will work...

Tomorrow I'm starting my cleanse/fast.  I was going to do the isagenix cleanse and i ordered it but it didn't come (UPS lost it or something).  So, I've researched some alternatives so that i can still do the fast that i was planning.  I really need to kick a lot more weight so that I can be happy.  Also, is it bad that I want people to be concerned with how skinny I am?  I want everyone I see to say something about how skinny I am.  I want people to look at me and think i'm "disgustingly thin" or "emaciated." 

So... my cleanse/fast begins tomorrow.  I'll be blogging everyday so you can follow my journey.

My 7-day Fast:
- Only water, tea, and juice (if 100% necessary)
- Morning: Psyllium and bentonite (colon cleansers)
- During the day: Multivitamin/dietary supplement (I'm using One A DayWomen's Active Metabolism because I have it, but there are many other options), wheat germ (replenishes Vitamin E), Vitamin C, Whole Beet Plant Juice (helps with energy, high in iron, calcium, and potassium)
- Night: Herbal supplement of cascara sagrada, aloe powder, and licorice root (cleanses colon)
- Run 1-2 miles per day, stretch everyday (maybe yoga?)


Note: I'm probably going to take adderall everyday to curb my appetite.  This could trigger a manic episode (especially because I haven't been taking all my meds) but I'm OK with that.  When I'm manic, I don't get hungry. Actually, I'm completely repulsed by food (ahh something new?).  At least it removes all chances of a binge! 


Wish me luck! 

xoxoL

119.3 today!

Hello from Chicago,

I woke up this morning and weighed myself -- 119.3 lbs!!  I broke through 120!! I had a few good days, ate minimally and threw up anything I did eat. But, last night I had a salad, a few bites of mac and cheese, and some chocolate cake but purged all throughout eating it so that hardly anything stayed in.  I'm so happy that it didn't destroy me. And, I didn't even go to the gym yesterday.

I've been averaging 4 laxatives per day... a little concerned that it's going to make it so that I can't go by myself but right now I'm just more concerned with getting it all out of me as quickly as possible.  My skin is getting worse and I definitely now have bruising and dry skin on my knuckles but I don't care because that won't matter when I'm super small. 

I haven't been taking my prescribed doses of my meds and I also haven't been eating well but surprisingly my moods have been pretty stable. I guess my period being over is what helps that mostly.  No cutting, no mania, no depression.  Just lots of purging and restricting.

Hope everyone else is having a good day and looking forward to the weekend.

xoxoL

Thinspo #1