Depressed

I took opiates on Friday night and went into an alternate universe... it was nice and awful.  I pretty  much have been sleeping since and have had no control over anything.  I slept all day, woke up, ate (some were healthy, some lacked substance and were totally unnecessary) and I didn't work out.  Yesterday was supposed to be a weigh-in day and a hardcore exercise day because Friday was such a waste.

My body feels disgusting.  Like every part of me feels heavy, weighed down, puffed up.  IDK what to do.  I'm really depressed and I don't even have the energy to purge or cut.

Later today I leave for a business trip and I'm not back until Tuesday night. When I travel for work my eating gets out of control.  I'm usually really stressed so lots of b/ps happen.  I'm going to need you all so much the next few days or everything is going to completely unravel.

A part of me wants to quit my job so that my ED can be my full-time life. But... yesterday may be a glimpse of what would happen if I didn't work.

I'm going to try to get to the gym today before I leave... today was my 118 goal day... I'm so nervous and have been crying all morning.

Make me strong.  Make me thin.

This isn't just a diet

As I read through other people's blogs I realized one thing that makes me and what I'm doing somewhat different than a lot of others.

Sometimes, I don't see myself stopping until I'm dead. I've tried to kill myself in other ways and have failed. 6 times. So, that's why I eat minimal calories each day.  And when I eat, I puke until I'm in pain. And after that, i take laxatives.  One day, my insides will fail me and for a 7th time, I will be rushed to the hospital for some "miracle" to save me. 

It's easy to continue to do that when I ignore everyone in my life. The only person that has any clue how bad it all is is my roommate. My parents don't live  near me so they don't see me often enough. And on the phone, I can hide it.  Isolation.

I'm sad today. It's beautiful out but I have my blinds down and am just crying off and on.  I hate myself for thinking "maybe I should get help."  If i ask for it now, I probably wont' want it tomorrow.