So sorry I left you... :(

Blogging quickly bc I just have to get back in to this.

This month has been disgusting. I'm a complete slob and have gained so much weight back. Finally weighed myself this morning for the first time in weeks... 130.0. Today I'm getting back into the game. This is totally unacceptable. And right when summer starts!!

Back to my caffeine-only diet that seemed to work wonders for me.

I love you all. Give me the strength to succeed again. Give me the courage not to cut. Help me be beautiful.

XoxoL

"If you believe in yourself and have the courage, the determination, the dedication, the competitive drive and if you are willing to sacrifice the little things in life and pay the price for the things that are worthwhile, it can be done."

Shit sucks

I'm a fucking fat piece of shit. I ate like complete crap the past couple of days.

Stab me in the face.

:(

Depressed

I took opiates on Friday night and went into an alternate universe... it was nice and awful.  I pretty  much have been sleeping since and have had no control over anything.  I slept all day, woke up, ate (some were healthy, some lacked substance and were totally unnecessary) and I didn't work out.  Yesterday was supposed to be a weigh-in day and a hardcore exercise day because Friday was such a waste.

My body feels disgusting.  Like every part of me feels heavy, weighed down, puffed up.  IDK what to do.  I'm really depressed and I don't even have the energy to purge or cut.

Later today I leave for a business trip and I'm not back until Tuesday night. When I travel for work my eating gets out of control.  I'm usually really stressed so lots of b/ps happen.  I'm going to need you all so much the next few days or everything is going to completely unravel.

A part of me wants to quit my job so that my ED can be my full-time life. But... yesterday may be a glimpse of what would happen if I didn't work.

I'm going to try to get to the gym today before I leave... today was my 118 goal day... I'm so nervous and have been crying all morning.

Make me strong.  Make me thin.