"You look thin."

I saw some friends today that I haven't seen in a while and one of them said to me "you look thin."  The thing I am always dying to hear.  But this time, it didn't sound like a good thing... it sounded accusatory.  A few of my friends know about my ED and they all blab so I feel like this one friend found out about it and then commented in that passive aggressive way. "You look thin."

Who would have thought that the words I actively TRY to get people to say are the words that could just cut me and make me feel gross?

Days 1 and 2

The first two days of my fast went pretty well.  I've been taking all my vitamins and such, pretty much just living off of water and green tea now.  I have had moments where I've been starving because my body got so used to me binge/purging so now it's having a hard time going back to restricting.  In the past two days I've eaten a packet of 100 cal oatmeal, an apple, and some granola. All in all, feeling good.

Today's stats:

CW: 121 lbs (at 7pm)
Height: 5'6''
Bust: 30.5''
Waist: 25.0''
Hips: 35''
Thigh: 20''
Ankle: 8.5''
Arm: 10''
Forearm: 8.5''
Wrist: 6.25''

Cleanse/fast begins tomorrow

This weekend wasn't great and when i weighed myself today I was back up to 123... I'm really not happy.  I've been eating a lot but purging most of it and have been taking laxatives but I feel like they aren't working.  Today I took 6 throughout the day so hopefully that will work...

Tomorrow I'm starting my cleanse/fast.  I was going to do the isagenix cleanse and i ordered it but it didn't come (UPS lost it or something).  So, I've researched some alternatives so that i can still do the fast that i was planning.  I really need to kick a lot more weight so that I can be happy.  Also, is it bad that I want people to be concerned with how skinny I am?  I want everyone I see to say something about how skinny I am.  I want people to look at me and think i'm "disgustingly thin" or "emaciated." 

So... my cleanse/fast begins tomorrow.  I'll be blogging everyday so you can follow my journey.

My 7-day Fast:
- Only water, tea, and juice (if 100% necessary)
- Morning: Psyllium and bentonite (colon cleansers)
- During the day: Multivitamin/dietary supplement (I'm using One A DayWomen's Active Metabolism because I have it, but there are many other options), wheat germ (replenishes Vitamin E), Vitamin C, Whole Beet Plant Juice (helps with energy, high in iron, calcium, and potassium)
- Night: Herbal supplement of cascara sagrada, aloe powder, and licorice root (cleanses colon)
- Run 1-2 miles per day, stretch everyday (maybe yoga?)


Note: I'm probably going to take adderall everyday to curb my appetite.  This could trigger a manic episode (especially because I haven't been taking all my meds) but I'm OK with that.  When I'm manic, I don't get hungry. Actually, I'm completely repulsed by food (ahh something new?).  At least it removes all chances of a binge! 


Wish me luck! 

xoxoL

119.3 today!

Hello from Chicago,

I woke up this morning and weighed myself -- 119.3 lbs!!  I broke through 120!! I had a few good days, ate minimally and threw up anything I did eat. But, last night I had a salad, a few bites of mac and cheese, and some chocolate cake but purged all throughout eating it so that hardly anything stayed in.  I'm so happy that it didn't destroy me. And, I didn't even go to the gym yesterday.

I've been averaging 4 laxatives per day... a little concerned that it's going to make it so that I can't go by myself but right now I'm just more concerned with getting it all out of me as quickly as possible.  My skin is getting worse and I definitely now have bruising and dry skin on my knuckles but I don't care because that won't matter when I'm super small. 

I haven't been taking my prescribed doses of my meds and I also haven't been eating well but surprisingly my moods have been pretty stable. I guess my period being over is what helps that mostly.  No cutting, no mania, no depression.  Just lots of purging and restricting.

Hope everyone else is having a good day and looking forward to the weekend.

xoxoL