This isn't just a diet

As I read through other people's blogs I realized one thing that makes me and what I'm doing somewhat different than a lot of others.

Sometimes, I don't see myself stopping until I'm dead. I've tried to kill myself in other ways and have failed. 6 times. So, that's why I eat minimal calories each day.  And when I eat, I puke until I'm in pain. And after that, i take laxatives.  One day, my insides will fail me and for a 7th time, I will be rushed to the hospital for some "miracle" to save me. 

It's easy to continue to do that when I ignore everyone in my life. The only person that has any clue how bad it all is is my roommate. My parents don't live  near me so they don't see me often enough. And on the phone, I can hide it.  Isolation.

I'm sad today. It's beautiful out but I have my blinds down and am just crying off and on.  I hate myself for thinking "maybe I should get help."  If i ask for it now, I probably wont' want it tomorrow.

I'm a free woman

I have officially quit treatment and refused a residential facility.  Only one of my friends knows about this, no one in my family.  I saw how all my doctors reacted and I just don't see the point in telling anyone else and putting them all in a frenzy too.

Well, the anxiety of all of this couldn't have been better for my eating and exercise!  I worked out so much and ate so little I almost passed out at the gym multiple times and was super lightheaded and pretty shakey. I LOVE THAT FEELING!

My Day Yesterday: 

Meds:
-Only took 200 mg of my mood stabilizer (75 mg less than prescribed), didn't take Antabuse, 25 mg of Adderall XR
-I took all of my vitamins
-3 laxatives, stool softeners, herbal laxatives (senna, a girl's best friend)

Food: Total Calories: 300
-breakfast: Plain cereal (around 90 cal)
-lunch: 3 bites of a Subway Veggie Delight (probably 60 cal tops)
-dinner: a few bites of turkey sausage and brown rice... lots of comments and stuff from my roommate. I know she just cares but I can see the fear on her face. (maybe 150)

Exercise: Total Calories burned: 1030 (estimated)
-1 mile run in the AM (I'd say -105 calories)
-Gym: 1 hr 20 min on the elliptical, with a hoodie on, 1 mile walk/jog on the treadmill, 30 min stretching (-800)
-1.5 mile walk home from the gym (around -125)

Total calories intake: 300
Total calories burned: 1000
Net: -700 :)

Today's Plan:

Not sure what my food plan is for today.. little tricky because I have a business lunch and it's Friday so you never know where that will take me after work.  AH! Will report back but I want to stay under 700 cal today.

Taking the day off from the gym to let my body/muscles recover so that the weekend will be even better for working out!  And I'm going to get a mani/pedi after work to reward myself for all my hard work yesterday, in all aspects of my life! :


I hope you all are having as much success as I am this week.  I really had to push it this week since I leave for a business trip on Sunday and usually when I'm traveling and working late my eating gets really bad (just eat shitty food, try to purge as much as possible but it never ends up being good enough).  Last time I traveled is when I gained 3 lbs back.  Going to keep that from happening this time. :)


xoxoL

Threatened to go to residential...

Good morning,

I didn't post last night because I was completely overwhelmed by an email I received.  I hadn't gone to my therapist in a couple of weeks but had agreed to go this past Tuesday. Well, as I usually am, I was completely honest with her when she asked me questions. Well, that was a BIG mistake. Listen from the wise: DO NOT TELL ANYONE HOW BAD IT GETS!!!

So, on Tuesday, before getting this email, I told my therapist I didn't want to come in for a while again. Just FYI, I was previously going in to therapy twice/wk and to my psychiatrist for medication management every other week (or more).  Hence why my medical bills were 4k+ last month...

The important parts of the email:

I appreciate your openness and honesty about not being motivated to do anything different or commit to any plan currently.   I also feel strongly that your lack of engagement  is a symptom of your current distress, and I need to be guided by what is in your best interests even if it doesn't match up with what you want right now.
Do you think you would be able/ willing to agree to the following in order to continue working with me and your other doctors?


1) Turn over the  laxatives to me
2) See the nutritionist weekly with weigh ins and another set of labs to check your electrolytes
3) Come in for medication supervision 3x a week
4) Attend sessions with  me 2x/wk and Heather 1 - 2 times per week
5) Send the food logs and begin tracking again
6) Resume taking Antabuse (with supervision 3X per week) -- this is a medication that I take to not drink

[blah blah blah blah] [dangerous] [physical and emotional health] [risky] [blah blah]

If you are not able to agree, we will have to conclude that CMC is no longer an appropriate treatment option for you and that you are in need of a higher level of care, meaning, a residential eating disorders program. 


So, back to me. Am I right in thinking that she just said "agree to this plan or else I'm going to force you into a residential facility."? WHAT DO I DO?  Honestly, I don't care about working with her or any of my other doctors anymore.  I'm so done with this.  Why is it that people don't understand that I DON'T WANT HELP. If you force someone into doing something they don't want to do, well, that person isn't going to get so much out of it, are they?  I'm just saying... if they force me into a facility or they make me see them a million times per week, I'm just going to lie about everything. That's a waste of all of our time and my $$.


I don't want the help that they want me to get. I want the help from you all. I know you won't force me into a facility.. Please, I could really use your advice!

Alright, I'm going to go work out for the first of probably 2 or 3 times today. Shhhh don't tell! :)  Hopefully today is better...

xoxoL

121 lbs pics

Hey all... Thought I'd post some photos of where I am now. On day 3 of my fast/cleanse... I think I should probably eat a small meal today so my body doesn't go into starvation mode. Is it bad for my skinny to take laxatives when im pretty sure there's nothin in me??


Have a great day everyone! Stay powerful!

XoxoL

Days 1 and 2

The first two days of my fast went pretty well.  I've been taking all my vitamins and such, pretty much just living off of water and green tea now.  I have had moments where I've been starving because my body got so used to me binge/purging so now it's having a hard time going back to restricting.  In the past two days I've eaten a packet of 100 cal oatmeal, an apple, and some granola. All in all, feeling good.

Today's stats:

CW: 121 lbs (at 7pm)
Height: 5'6''
Bust: 30.5''
Waist: 25.0''
Hips: 35''
Thigh: 20''
Ankle: 8.5''
Arm: 10''
Forearm: 8.5''
Wrist: 6.25''

Cleanse/fast begins tomorrow

This weekend wasn't great and when i weighed myself today I was back up to 123... I'm really not happy.  I've been eating a lot but purging most of it and have been taking laxatives but I feel like they aren't working.  Today I took 6 throughout the day so hopefully that will work...

Tomorrow I'm starting my cleanse/fast.  I was going to do the isagenix cleanse and i ordered it but it didn't come (UPS lost it or something).  So, I've researched some alternatives so that i can still do the fast that i was planning.  I really need to kick a lot more weight so that I can be happy.  Also, is it bad that I want people to be concerned with how skinny I am?  I want everyone I see to say something about how skinny I am.  I want people to look at me and think i'm "disgustingly thin" or "emaciated." 

So... my cleanse/fast begins tomorrow.  I'll be blogging everyday so you can follow my journey.

My 7-day Fast:
- Only water, tea, and juice (if 100% necessary)
- Morning: Psyllium and bentonite (colon cleansers)
- During the day: Multivitamin/dietary supplement (I'm using One A DayWomen's Active Metabolism because I have it, but there are many other options), wheat germ (replenishes Vitamin E), Vitamin C, Whole Beet Plant Juice (helps with energy, high in iron, calcium, and potassium)
- Night: Herbal supplement of cascara sagrada, aloe powder, and licorice root (cleanses colon)
- Run 1-2 miles per day, stretch everyday (maybe yoga?)


Note: I'm probably going to take adderall everyday to curb my appetite.  This could trigger a manic episode (especially because I haven't been taking all my meds) but I'm OK with that.  When I'm manic, I don't get hungry. Actually, I'm completely repulsed by food (ahh something new?).  At least it removes all chances of a binge! 


Wish me luck! 

xoxoL

119.3 today!

Hello from Chicago,

I woke up this morning and weighed myself -- 119.3 lbs!!  I broke through 120!! I had a few good days, ate minimally and threw up anything I did eat. But, last night I had a salad, a few bites of mac and cheese, and some chocolate cake but purged all throughout eating it so that hardly anything stayed in.  I'm so happy that it didn't destroy me. And, I didn't even go to the gym yesterday.

I've been averaging 4 laxatives per day... a little concerned that it's going to make it so that I can't go by myself but right now I'm just more concerned with getting it all out of me as quickly as possible.  My skin is getting worse and I definitely now have bruising and dry skin on my knuckles but I don't care because that won't matter when I'm super small. 

I haven't been taking my prescribed doses of my meds and I also haven't been eating well but surprisingly my moods have been pretty stable. I guess my period being over is what helps that mostly.  No cutting, no mania, no depression.  Just lots of purging and restricting.

Hope everyone else is having a good day and looking forward to the weekend.

xoxoL