So sorry I left you... :(

Blogging quickly bc I just have to get back in to this.

This month has been disgusting. I'm a complete slob and have gained so much weight back. Finally weighed myself this morning for the first time in weeks... 130.0. Today I'm getting back into the game. This is totally unacceptable. And right when summer starts!!

Back to my caffeine-only diet that seemed to work wonders for me.

I love you all. Give me the strength to succeed again. Give me the courage not to cut. Help me be beautiful.

XoxoL

"If you believe in yourself and have the courage, the determination, the dedication, the competitive drive and if you are willing to sacrifice the little things in life and pay the price for the things that are worthwhile, it can be done."

Some Pro-Ana Song Lyrics

Fashion - Lady Gaga

I am, I'm too fabulous
I'm so, fierce that it's so nuts
I live, to be model thin
Dress me, I'm your mannequin

Bleed Like Me - Garbage

Avalanche is sullen and too thin
She starves herself to rid herself of sin
And the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin
And she says:
Hey baby can you bleed like me?
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?

Paper Bag - Fiona Apple

Hunger hurts, but I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

The Story - Brandi Carlile (one of my favorite songs but not necessarily pro-ana)

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

Skeleton Me - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Soon comes rain
Dry your eyes
Frost or flame
Skeleton me
Fall asleep
Spin the sky
Skeleton me
Love, don’t cry

"You look thin."

I saw some friends today that I haven't seen in a while and one of them said to me "you look thin."  The thing I am always dying to hear.  But this time, it didn't sound like a good thing... it sounded accusatory.  A few of my friends know about my ED and they all blab so I feel like this one friend found out about it and then commented in that passive aggressive way. "You look thin."

Who would have thought that the words I actively TRY to get people to say are the words that could just cut me and make me feel gross?

I'm back

I've been in my own world for the past few weeks. Incredibly depressed and having a hard time restricting so that just makes me even  more depressed.  I spent the whole weekend in bed with a few minor exceptions but tonight I've decided that starting tomorrow... things are going to be OK.  I'm not going to let myself be consumed with food tomorrow. I'm going to get out of a bed like a normal person, go to work, and get my shit done.  I'm going to clean my room, do my laundry, maybe even TALK to people.

Tomorrow.  Things will be OK.  Who's with me?

Blech

I've lost all control, I hate myself.

Shit sucks

I'm a fucking fat piece of shit. I ate like complete crap the past couple of days.

Stab me in the face.

:(

Depressed

I took opiates on Friday night and went into an alternate universe... it was nice and awful.  I pretty  much have been sleeping since and have had no control over anything.  I slept all day, woke up, ate (some were healthy, some lacked substance and were totally unnecessary) and I didn't work out.  Yesterday was supposed to be a weigh-in day and a hardcore exercise day because Friday was such a waste.

My body feels disgusting.  Like every part of me feels heavy, weighed down, puffed up.  IDK what to do.  I'm really depressed and I don't even have the energy to purge or cut.

Later today I leave for a business trip and I'm not back until Tuesday night. When I travel for work my eating gets out of control.  I'm usually really stressed so lots of b/ps happen.  I'm going to need you all so much the next few days or everything is going to completely unravel.

A part of me wants to quit my job so that my ED can be my full-time life. But... yesterday may be a glimpse of what would happen if I didn't work.

I'm going to try to get to the gym today before I leave... today was my 118 goal day... I'm so nervous and have been crying all morning.

Make me strong.  Make me thin.