So sorry I left you... :(

Blogging quickly bc I just have to get back in to this.

This month has been disgusting. I'm a complete slob and have gained so much weight back. Finally weighed myself this morning for the first time in weeks... 130.0. Today I'm getting back into the game. This is totally unacceptable. And right when summer starts!!

Back to my caffeine-only diet that seemed to work wonders for me.

I love you all. Give me the strength to succeed again. Give me the courage not to cut. Help me be beautiful.

XoxoL

"If you believe in yourself and have the courage, the determination, the dedication, the competitive drive and if you are willing to sacrifice the little things in life and pay the price for the things that are worthwhile, it can be done."

Some Pro-Ana Song Lyrics

Fashion - Lady Gaga

I am, I'm too fabulous
I'm so, fierce that it's so nuts
I live, to be model thin
Dress me, I'm your mannequin

Bleed Like Me - Garbage

Avalanche is sullen and too thin
She starves herself to rid herself of sin
And the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin
And she says:
Hey baby can you bleed like me?
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?

Paper Bag - Fiona Apple

Hunger hurts, but I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

The Story - Brandi Carlile (one of my favorite songs but not necessarily pro-ana)

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

Skeleton Me - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Soon comes rain
Dry your eyes
Frost or flame
Skeleton me
Fall asleep
Spin the sky
Skeleton me
Love, don’t cry

"You look thin."

I saw some friends today that I haven't seen in a while and one of them said to me "you look thin."  The thing I am always dying to hear.  But this time, it didn't sound like a good thing... it sounded accusatory.  A few of my friends know about my ED and they all blab so I feel like this one friend found out about it and then commented in that passive aggressive way. "You look thin."

Who would have thought that the words I actively TRY to get people to say are the words that could just cut me and make me feel gross?